


Gods Are Fragile

by Ribbonlette



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Blood, Bruises, Implied Character Death, Implied Sexual Content, KIND OF I GUESS, M/M, Shotgunning, Smoking, The aftermath of violence and rape, implied rape, implied suicide, just that it happened, you don't actually see that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ribbonlette/pseuds/Ribbonlette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It pisses Shizuo off, even more than Izaya as a whole. The fact that he won't even recognize that his running is getting slower, his gait faltering. As much as Izaya tries to hide it, to ignore it, it's clear that he's breaking down.</p><p>And when he finally does break down, Shizuo is there to witness it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gods Are Fragile

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so. This isn't the best thing I've written but... whatever. I really like certain parts of it and the overall theme. Not satisfied with the ending, but it felt too much like an END to put more... I might do a second chapter tho, to wrap it up a little better. Then again, I do like loose ends...
> 
> Anyway. Like I mentioned in the tags, there is implied rape, but you only get the immediate aftermath, not the actual act. I doubt I could write that anyway, eugh. But it does seem I still like tormenting Izaya anyway :/ I don't know why I do this to myself...
> 
> So yeah! Enjoy, and please leave kudos if you do!!

The first thing Shizuo learned when he started sleeping with Izaya is that "gods" are fragile.

They break. They can run, laughing, for miles and miles, seemingly without tiring, but once caught... Once caught they are easily disarmed, pinned, pushed around. Whether this is just "allowed" due to boredom, is still up to debate. However, it is evident that physically at least, they are easily breakable. 

Against a monster's strength, a god of chaos and whispered hatred is near powerless.

\----

It is important to note that though this is the first thing Shizuo learned, it took a long time for him to pay enough attention to Izaya to notice these things. It took years, in fact. It was only when things started changing, and Shizuo started looking back to figure out why, that he saw just how fragile Izaya was.

The first time they actually went all the way, Shizuo didn't see Izaya again for a month. He had twisted Izaya's arm behind him at the time and though he had heard a crack, he'd never cared enough to follow up on it. When Shizuo did finally catch sight of the flea again, his arm was in a brace. Izaya acted infuriatingly casual about everything, as if the brace didn't exist. A chase had ensued and Shizuo thought nothing of it.

Looking back now though... that happened a lot at first. Izaya would show up, coerce him into a chase followed by a quick fuck in an alley or Shizuo's apartment or somewhere completely ridiculous. Izaya would then slink away, acting like he had conquered the monster, only to not be seen for weeks, to show up still bandaged later.

It was something Shizuo never questioned. Izaya being all bandaged up wasn't unusual, after all, and considering his line of work it was almost strange for his body to not be more scarred than it already was. Besides, Shizuo didn't care enough to question it too much. 

He hated the guy, so why should he?

But slowly this changed. Shizuo began noticing that though Izaya was certainly a sick fuck who enjoyed a degree of pain, actually breaking limbs made sex less enjoyable. Izaya's reactions just weren't as good when he was in that much pain. So Shizuo consciously started breaking Izaya less, opting to keep him whole rather than sacrifice his pleasure. Unfortunately for their hatred, this eventually cast a slightly different light on their games.

A god has to be in charge even at the threat of breaking and Izaya just couldn't give these things up. Shizuo slowly began to realize that being broken was one of the reasons Izaya came to him in the first place. Izaya could have anyone he wanted, after all. He was attractive and powerful and relatively wealthy from his various jobs and activities. He could be picky. And yet he went to the man who wanted him dead the most. The man that had left the most scars on his pale skin. 

It made no sense.

That is, until Shizuo started to actually pay attention to how Izaya seemed to work. By watching his mannerisms and paying attention to how he acted after everything Shizuo did, Shizuo began to pick up on two things.

First, Izaya enjoyed pain to a sick degree. This was evident even in high school, but it eventually became clear that it wasn't entirely masochism. A degree of it seemed to be self-hatred. Izaya enjoyed the hatred of others because it gave him an excuse to laugh at his own pain. When Shizuo hated him it caused that pain as well, and at much higher degrees than Izaya could get anywhere else, even from himself. It was twisted and confusing but to Izaya it all made perfect sense.

Second, Izaya seemed to go in phases. These phases varied in length, but Shizuo slowly learned to recognize them. There were three main phases: Uninterested, Neutral, and Batshit Insane. 

Neutral wasn't too bad to deal with, as it typically just meant that Izaya would show up in Ikebukuro every so often, they'd fight and fuck, and then Izaya would leave. It was simple. It was the most "enjoyable" phase, if anything with Izaya could be called "enjoyable."

The other two phases were different brands of hell.

Batshit Insane was very similar to their high school years, just with more sex. Izaya would show up almost daily, looking fidgety and hyper. He would run, Shizuo would chase, and then Izaya would either tease and leave, or drag Shizuo somewhere to fuck. Izaya always likes to say that Shizuo fucks like an animal, but during the Batshit Insane phase, Izaya turns into the animal. It's almost like he can't control himself, like an addict or something. The desperation is always a very clear sign. Shizuo never knows what to make of it.

His cigarettes always seem to go missing during this phase.

The Uninterested phase is somehow even worse. Izaya rarely shows up and when he does, he's just... lifeless. He doesn't want to fuck, doesn't want to fight, doesn't even want to run. Doesn't want to play their game. He's boring and irritable and impossible. It's somehow terrifying.

Shizuo is used to Izaya doing his damnedest to kill him off, so of course when that just suddenly stops, he never knows what to do. It's impossible to handle and impossible to understand. 

Shizuo hates it.

Then somehow, things started getting emotional. Now, Izaya hates anything that has to do with emotions and  _feeling things._ It's something Shizuo has noticed Izaya actively avoiding. He wants nothing to do with emotions, because gods are apparently above that.

And yet, as Shizuo is slowly starting to see, Izaya has a lot of feelings about a lot of things and keeping them all held inside him is slowly breaking him from the inside out. It's making his outside brittle and thin; easy to see through and easy to break. Nowadays Shizuo often wonders how long Izaya will be able to keep up his uncaring, unfeeling façade.

It keeps getting cracks.

Izaya refuses to acknowledge any of this of course. He is a god among humans, who plays with monsters when he gets bored of tormenting his pawns. Why in the world would he admit to having weaknesses?

It pisses Shizuo off, even more than Izaya as a whole. The fact that he won't even recognize that his running is getting slower, his gait faltering. As much as Izaya tries to hide it, to ignore it, it's clear that he's breaking down.

And when he finally does break down, Shizuo is there to witness it.

\----

He wishes he wasn't. He wishes he was miles away from this. It is pitiful and terrifying and horrible and illustrates the hell that is Izaya's life perfectly.

Because gods are fragile, and once caught they are so easy to break.

It just so happens that the night Shizuo decides to break into Izaya's apartment for the first time in months, it was a night that Izaya was caught.

At first, Shizuo isn't sure who the person sprawled in the bathtub is. The water flattens his hair and with how tangled it is, he looks like a drowned cat. His face is not contorted in twisted hatred, but instead lifeless, eyes dull and not quite registering who Shizuo is, maybe not even registering that anyone is there at first. The water in the tub is a terrifyingly dark shade of pink to match the red smeared across pale skin and still seeping from Izaya's side.

Shizuo stands in the doorway for far too long, just trying to comprehend the sight in front of him. All the anger and hatred that he had worked up on his way over here has drained along with the color on his face and it's left him hollow, void of any emotion but shock. Disgust follows, but is mostly drowned out with horror. This is a scene he never could have imagined.

Finally he lets out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and slowly moves toward the tub. Izaya doesn't even look up at him. For a moment, Shizuo is convinced that Izaya is already dead, that there is more red than he thought, but then a gasp (it sounds more like a sob) rattles Izaya's frame. He still doesn't look up but Shizuo feels a strange sense of relief; he may hate the guy, but walking in to find Izaya dead is for some reason something he really doesn't want.

Shizuo takes a deep breath as well and makes up his mind. He's going to help Izaya. Despite everything he says, he doesn't want Izaya's life on his hands and having found him like this... Shizuo is too kind to just leave even his enemy bleeding in a bathroom like this. He may not know what happened (nor does he ever want to) but he can at least leave Izaya in a slightly better condition.

It's a decision he can barely understand himself, but it's the one he makes anyway.

So he moves over to the bathtub and leans down to pull the plug. He then re-adjusts so he can lift Izaya out of the chilly water, gagging a bit at the iron smell of blood. He lays Izaya out on the floor, quickly moving to get a towel so he can dry Izaya off. There is virtually no reaction from Izaya. The damaged "god" is limp and barely conscious and despite how scary that is, a part of Shizuo is grateful. Having Izaya aware for this would end horribly, he's sure of it.

It's as he's drying Izaya off that he realizes just how damaged his body is. There are horrible burns on his back, from what looks like cigarettes. There are small cuts all over his skin and as Shizuo wipes away the blood he sees some of the worst bruising he's ever seen. One side of Izaya's ribs are particularly damaged and it's as he is scanning these bruises that he notices something that makes him go cold. He nearly has to set Izaya down so he can go vomit.

There is a white substance sticking to Izaya's skin. It sticks to him in little globs all over his body, but when Shizuo looks, it seems to be concentrated in Izaya's hair and... between his legs. There are clear bruises on Izaya's thighs and wrists and Shizuo is piecing things together and it's just making this whole situation more and more horrific. 

Shizuo gags, not wanting to think about how the bruises and stickiness that can only be cum got there with Izaya in this condition.

To top it all off, the worst of the blood seems to be coming from kanji carved into Izaya's skin. Shizuo can't make himself look at it for long enough to figure out what the character is, but it feels like a brand. Someone branded Izaya's body in a show of ownership and Shizuo is disgusted all the while feeling a surge of protective possessiveness.

Izaya is  _his_ enemy.  _He_ is the only one allowed to break Izaya in anyway and that's only because Izaya asked for it, because Izaya knows Shizuo's limits, knows that Shizuo would never truly break him. There is no way Izaya asked for this. And suddenly Shizuo wants to hunt down whoever did this and beat them to a pulp.

Izaya is his god of chaos and whispered hatred and no one else is allowed to know how fragile he is.


	2. Gods are Stubborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ashes of the cigarette count down the seconds, slowly disappearing in the breeze as Izaya ignores the waves of frustration rolling off his monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright you guys. So you got a second chapter but it really didn't wrap anything up. I don't know if I have writers block or what but I can't seem to get a good end for this. Soooo there will probably be another chapter at some point. For now, I'm going to leave this marked as unfinished because I don't know what's going to happen with it. So maybe. May. Be.
> 
> These two are really getting away from me tho, so don't ask me what they think they're doing. I just don't know.

The second thing that Shizuo learned is that "gods" are stubborn.

Even after being found in such a state, Izaya refused to admit that there may be something wrong. He refused to acknowledge that he was breaking, that he had nearly died. That his ability to run was wearing down and soon enough he wouldn't be able to move.

It was infuriating.

\----

After Shizuo got Izaya as patched up as he could he had called Shinra. Shinra would be able to fix this. And of course, heal Izaya's body he did, though really, a doctor of medicine can do little for a problem of the mind or heart.

Izaya was put under house arrest. Or at least, that's what he called it. What it actually was, was Shinra keeping Izaya at his apartment so he could keep an eye on him, for both physical and mental complications. Izaya stayed locked up in the guest room most of the time, just curled up on his bed and wrapped in blankets. He claimed to be angry at Shinra for keeping him here, but Shinra knew better.

If Izaya really wanted to leave, he would have; no one could really stop him. And yet he stayed. He stayed curled up on his bed, staring at the wall and barely responding to anything Shinra said. It was a fight to even get him out to eat. Shinra wasn't really sure that Izaya was bathing regularly and despite forcing him to eat Izaya continued to lose weight.

The updates just got worse and worse in that they were always the same.

Shizuo found himself getting increasingly worried. He wanted to ignore it. He wanted this to be another incident where he dropped Izaya off at Shinra's and never came back; it had happened before, when he'd caught Izaya and they'd fought until Izaya was passing out or something.

But unfortunately, this time wasn't like that.

Shizuo was constantly wondering how Izaya was doing. He wanted to know that Izaya was recovering. He found himself wondering who had done that to him and what they were doing now. Were they someone Izaya knew? Did Shizuo know them as well? Who would do something like that? 

Clearly Izaya was in horrible shape and not recovering quickly. Shizuo doesn't visit him, but he does show up at Shinra's apartment at least once a day to check on him. He can't bring himself to go and talk to Izaya yet. Izaya never likes showing weakness, and he certainly would hate to show this much weakness in front of Shizuo of all people. Even when in crippling pain from a broken limb, Izaya refuses to to do anything less than laugh.

Normally, Shizuo would be fine with that. As much as it pisses him off, he doesn't really want to deal with Izaya's weaknesses. And yet... Yet this time he just can't seem to walk away. Izaya is broken and he didn't cause it and couldn't prevent it and he feels horrible.

How is he supposed to just walk away after finding Izaya like this?

Eventually, Izaya starts to show slow improvement. He'll come out to walk around the apartment or sit out on the balcony. He sits with Shinra and Celty for meals, though he still doesn't eat all that much. He's a bit quieter than usual, however he is still just as obnoxious and sarcastic and if one didn't know him all that well he'd seem mostly normal.

Shizuo is thrilled to hear this. He is then disgusted at how happy he is that his enemy is getting better, but that doesn't matter all that much anymore. He's been quietly stocking Shinra's fridge with ootoro everyday to try and get Izaya to eat and somehow his hatred has dulled a bit. Although that may have a bit to do with the fact that he hasn't actually had to be around Izaya for weeks. Despite how frustrating it is in some way, being able to keep an eye on him from afar has been good.

Then comes the day that all that ends.

Instead of being holed up in his room like usual, Izaya is sitting on the couch when Shizuo arrives. Shizuo freezes in his tracks as he comes into the kitchen, eyes wide. Izaya is never out this time of day. Shinra has told him that Izaya has a schedule for when he's in his room and when he's not and this is not part of it. 

It completely throws Shizuo for a loop.

The bag of ootoro is dropped on the floor in his shock and it is only at this point that Izaya even notices Shizuo's presence. They stare at each other; Shizuo wide-eyed with panic, Izaya watching blankly. For a moment, Shizuo wants to run. He almost does, as the moment stretches on in silence and he doesn't know what else to do. Izaya is just staring at him, no indication of what he's thinking on his face.

Finally, Izaya's eyes flick down to the grocery bag on the floor. He raises one eyebrow in curiosity as he looks back up at Shizuo.

"...Shinra isn't here right now."

"Sha-Shinra... what?" Shizuo's brain restarts and he quickly stoops down to pick up the bag. However, his mouth can't seem to keep up with his thoughts so all that comes out is his incoherent confusion. What the hell is Izaya doing out right now? Why isn't Shinra here? What the fuck is going on?

"I said, Shinra isn't here right now. He went out." Izaya' voice is sharp as he waves at Shizuo dismissively and turns away. Clearly, he doesn't want to talk. Which, of course, is fairly understandable all things considered.

So for now, Shizuo just responds with a small "oh..." and moves to put the ootoro away. Izaya doesn't look back at him until the refrigerator door closes. They make eye contact for a fraction of a second before Izaya is looking away again and standing up.

"Just... finish whatever you're doing and get o-"

"Izaya. Um..." Shizuo trails off, unsure of what to say. He had started talking because he wanted to ask how Izaya was doing, but now that he had started he didn't know how to continue. Izaya is staring at him again, his eyes intent and a too bright shade of red. It's a much better color than the last time Shizuo saw him, when they were dull and lifeless. Shizuo clears his throat.

"Um... I... I wanted to ask how you're doing." It's a blunt statement and Shizuo instantly regrets the wording. It sounds clumsy and awkward. Unfortunately he can't take it back.

Izaya remains quiet for a long stretch of time. He watches Shizuo, making him squirm. It's unsettling, trying to face those eyes like this. He doesn't know how to respond to it.

"...I'm fine, obviously." Izaya's eyes are still too bright, something about them almost frightening. Izaya moves slowly around the couch. "Why wouldn't I be? Of course I would be fine. The question is, why do you care?"

Shizuo takes a small step back. He doesn't make it very far however as he runs into the counter behind him. Izaya's expression is deceptively open and curious, hiding something while trying to look almost kind and yet Shizuo feels a chill run down his spine. Izaya has never been kind, never been open.

That expression is honestly disturbing and Shizuo doesn't know what to do as it gets slowly closer.

"W-well, I-"

"You're the one getting me ootoro every day then. I knew Shinra wouldn't, but I never expected you would. Was Shizu-chan worried about me? How ludic!" Mocking laughter tinges Izaya's voice and Shizuo fights the urge to flinch. 

Somehow, after all this time, after seeing Izaya so broken, Shizuo can't seem to get mad at him. Not in this moment anyway. In this moment Izaya still looks broken, looks like these words are the only things holding him together and Shizuo wonders if Shinra explained what had happened. Does Izaya know that Shizuo saw him in such a state? Does he know that Shizuo saved him?

"Well Shizu-chan, you don't have to worry. Because I'm fine!" Izaya closes the distance between them, stands too close. Shizuo can feel Izaya's breath, coming slightly too fast, a bit too heavy. 

Izaya is not fine. Standing is clearly difficult, even after two months. Shizuo wants to tell Izaya to go sit back down, wants to yell at him to stop lying to himself. But he doesn't get the chance, because suddenly Izaya is leaning in and Shizuo's thoughts are too scattered to register what is going on until Izaya's hands are slipping under his vest and around to his ass and Izaya's tongue is working on parting his lips and there is no where to run from this because Izaya has him pinned to the counter.

Then just as quickly as it starts, Izaya is gone. Spinning away with a small laugh and leaving Shizuo red-faced and wiping a bit of drool from his chin. A few blinks later and Shizuo feels a slight surge of anger in his chest because Izaya's hands are now full of things that belong to Shizuo and that self-satisfied smirk is enough to answer the question bubbling to Shizuo's lips, yet he asks it anyway.

"What the fuck, flea! What are you doing? Why did you- give those back!" Shizuo lunges forward but Izaya is already slipping out onto the balcony. A single cigarette is held between chapped lips as Shizuo's lighter flares to life in Izaya's hand. Shizuo follows him out onto the balcony, already starting to seethe. he reaches for his smokes and lighter. "I said give those back, flea!"

"When I'm done. Fuck off, protozoan." Izaya's voice is sharp, though the amusement is still floating around in the air. He inhales slowly and holds his breath, letting the smoke swirl around in his lungs. He lets it all out in one big exhale, watching the smoke twisting in front of him in slight disdain.

"But you don't smoke." Shizuo is annoyed, watching his money turning to smoke on Izaya's lips. It's irritating and frustrating and all very confusing. Izaya is always complaining about Shizuo smoking and how it makes him smell gross. He's not allowed to smoke in Izaya's apartment and it's a fight to be allowed to smoke in his own apartment when Izaya is there. So this development is shocking, to say the least.

"...Your point?"

"My point is that you're being a fucking hypocrite!" Shizuo is getting angrier by the moment. He had almost forgotten how much being around Izaya and having to talk to him pisses him off. "You're always complaining about me smoking and saying it's gross and now you're just... What the fuck?"

Izaya rolls his eyes as he takes another deep breath, clearly annoyed with Shizuo. A bit of ash is flicked off the end of the cigarette and Izaya watches it fall and float away in the slight breeze. Finally he huffs and holds Shizuo's lighter out for him.

"Shut up, protozoan. You don't know what you're talking about." Smoke swirls between them. Shizuo snatches his lighter from Izaya's hand, his eyes zeroing in on the pack of smokes Izaya is still clutching however. Clutching a bit too tight for him to be as entirely relaxed as he seems.

A silence stretches between them.  Shizuo wants to keep calm, doesn't want to snap and hurt someone who has been so clearly down, even though that someone is Izaya. It just doesn't seem right. The ashes of the cigarette count down the seconds, slowly disappearing in the breeze as Izaya ignores the waves of frustration rolling off his monster.

"...Izaya. Give those back." Finally Shizuo can't take it anymore. He tries his best to keep his voice even and firm, despite his anger. Getting any information out of Izaya is clearly a hopeless cause at this point and Shizuo is too tired to bother. He just wants to go home and try and process this.

"Nope." Another puff of smoke fills the air before Izaya in putting out the cigarette on the cement handrail of the balcony and pulling another out of the pack. "I told you, when I'm done. Now give me a light, yeah?"

Shizuo glares at the new stick resting between Izaya's lips, it's presence pissing him off even more. He can't believe that Izaya is doing this, even after everything. Honestly, Shizuo had developed a small hope that things might be a bit different, that Izaya might open up to him a bit and explain what he found. But... though things definitely changed, this wasn't at all the change Shizuo had wanted.

"Fuck no. Those things will kill you. You don't need to start chain smoking like that."

A short bitter laugh is the response he gets. Shizuo supposes the he is being a bit of a hypocrite but his body has always been ridiculously strong so he didn't really figure smoking was much of a threat to him anyway so it's an entirely different situation. Right?

"Really? That's your excuse? And what do you even care?" Izaya scoffs, turning to lean on the balcony railing and look out across the city. His expression is odd, soft and closed and angry and sad and confused. Shizuo doesn't know what to make of it. "I thought you wanted me dead."

"I do. Don't think that any of this means that's changed." Shizuo huffs, turning away angrily and shoving the lighter in his pocket. He can't believe they're even having this conversation. "I just don't want you to die like that."

There's another bitter scoff then suddenly Izaya is in front of him again. Shizuo barely has time to take a step back before Izaya is shoving the cigarette between Shizuo's lips instead and reaching down to grab the lighter out of Shizuo's pocket again.

"Izaya, what the fuck-"

"Just shut up and have a smoke, Shizu-chan. You're tense, you look like you need it." A small flame flares to life between them and Shizuo's first thought is that Izaya is going to burn him. The heat never gets that close however as Izaya is just lighting the end of the cigarette in Shizuo's lips and with the slight taste of nicotine already on his tongue Shizuo inhales automatically. He instantly curses himself for going along with Izaya's game but what can he say?

Addiction is a bitch and between Izaya and the smoke curling in his lungs he's getting a double dose.

Izaya smiles as he tucks the lighter back into Shizuo's pocket. It's a cruel smile, sugary sweet and sickly, wide and deceptively inviting. Shizuo knows that smile, knows it means trouble. Knows he can't escape it. Knows that Izaya has managed to catch him in another game within moments of seeing each other and even after all this time Izaya's poison is just as potent.

"There. See?" Izaya's hands come up to Shizuo's shoulders, massaging at them and loosening the muscles as much as he can, forcing Shizuo to relax despite how dangerous he knows this is. "You're still glaring but look! Your shoulders are relaxing. Maybe now you'll listen when I tell you I'm fine, hm?" 

Even now, when in control and being a manipulative bastard, Izaya still doesn't look fine. His eyes are too wide, his smile too sharp, his voice too perfectly composed. Even as Izaya takes the cigarette from Shizuo's lips and replaces it with his mouth, Shizuo can see it, feel it, taste it.

There is desperation on Izaya's face, in his touch, on his tongue. Shizuo is stiff and doesn't respond at first, not wanting to give in completely. Not wanting to play Izaya's game, to give him that hit of whatever drug Shizuo seems to be to him. Unfortunately Izaya has bad (or good, perhaps) timing and managed to kiss Shizuo right after an inhale and the smoke is burning his lungs as Izaya refuses to be discouraged. Thin fingers slide up into Shizuo's hair and holds his head in place, prevents any movement. He doesn't dare touch Izaya to push him away, still terrified of hurting him despite his anger and honestly concerned that if he touches Izaya at all it will just encourage him.

But despite Shizuo's lung capacity with smoke swirling and curling and burning like this he can't hold his breath any longer. Finally he's forced to give in, parting his lips under Izaya's insistent tongue. A pleased hum escapes from Izaya as he slips his tongue into Shizuo's mouth and inhales, pulling the smoke into his own lungs and suddenly Shizuo realizes what the point of this was.

The point of the game having changed, Shizuo finds it acceptable to push Izaya away without fear of encouraging him. Izaya stumbles back, secondhand smoke swirling from his lips. Shizuo coughs twice, wiping a bit of drool from his lips as he glares at Izaya. All he gets is a satisfied smirk in return.

"Oh don't look at me like that. What did you expect? As if I would want anything else from you." Izaya's words bite into Shizuo like a knife. Shizuo isn't so sure why they even hurt as much as they do but somehow it feels like total rejection and for whatever reason Shizuo didn't want that. He wanted to help Izaya but Izaya made it clear that all he was was a way to feed a sick addiction that Izaya wouldn't even admit to having. Just a way to continue his twisted game, a toy for entertainment, to be tossed aside whenever Izaya got bored. 

It hurts more than Shizuo was prepared for. 

And yet Shizuo can still see that desperation. The too bright red of Izaya's eyes is a crack in his armor that is begging for something else but Shizuo has never been able to understand Izaya's desires and he doesn't know how to read this. 

Izaya is stubborn and will never admit that what he wants is help after all.

\----

It's another two weeks before Izaya leaves Shinra's. And just like that, everything is back to normal. Izaya is Batshit Insane, coming around far too much and more blatant about his cigarette stealing now. Smoke is stolen right from Shizuo's lips more and more often and Shizuo is disgusted with himself for playing along.

But Izaya is a whirlwind, a hurricane of frantic laughter and lust, unstable and insatiable and he sweeps Shizuo up in his nonsense, pulling him along until he's bored before dropping him back to the ground and leaving his head spinning. It's a high of adrenaline and pleasure and even with all his strength Shizuo is near powerless to fight such a disastrous force.

This isn't new. It's one of Izaya's phases and familiar in many ways. But somehow this time it is more intense, Izaya is more intense, and Shizuo is starting to get concerned. In the quieter moments of the night, after an afternoon of fights and sex and stolen smoke that bled into the blur of evening, Shizuo can see Izaya's cracks. He sees how Izaya doesn't sleep, just lays in bed and stares at the ceiling, or paces around the apartment, fidgeting and talking to the air. 

The talking to himself isn't new, of course, but it's still a bit disturbing to watch.

Shizuo wakes up to his books reorganized in a way that must make sense to Izaya but has no pattern as far as Shizuo can tell. Clothes and papers and just  _things_ are constantly strewn around Izaya's apartment. When Shizuo brings it up Izaya goes quiet before snapping at him to mind his own business. But Shizuo can see it.

Izaya is having difficulty running this time and it's affecting every other aspect of his life. Shizuo is slowly learning that finding Izaya in the bathroom was just a violent beginning to a slow breakdown on Izaya's part. Or maybe it wasn't the beginning and this isn't as slow as Shizuo thinks. Maybe, just maybe, this started a long time ago and that night was just a trigger to make the breakdown go faster, make Shizuo aware of it.

  
And once again, Shizuo is wishing he could be anywhere but here. See anything but this.


	3. Gods Are Restless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya will at least tire himself out to the point of passing out where he stands, even if it is only because he hasn't slept in three days. Shizuo however is terrified of falling asleep when Izaya could hurt one or both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oookay. Chapter 3. I have no idea where this is going sooo yeah. I dunno. I guess we'll see. This whole thing was supposed to be a oneshot and now I'm here. I'm not good at writing multichapter things so... We'll see.

**From: dumbass doctor**

**Shizuo, look. I know you're worried about Izaya but you need to just leave him be. Don't try to deny it, it's obvious. But you can't do anything to help him. The man is beyond help. He doesn't want to be helped, so there's nothing you can do about it. So just stop. Watching you is disgusting and pitiful. He's never going to let you in.**

\----

For weeks, nothing changes. Izaya comes around and sweeps Shizuo up into his storm and then leaves, sometimes for only hours, other times for a few days. He always comes back with a smirk on his face and poison on his tongue.

Although he has healed from when Shizuo found him, rarely is Izaya seen without some sort of bandage or bruise. The thing that baffles Shizuo is that he didn't cause most of this. Shizuo has been trying to pull his punches and yet Izaya's bruising doesn't even have time to heal before he seems to renew it.

The only explanation Shizuo can come up with is that he's not the only one Izaya is fighting.

It's a strange thought; that Izaya would start a fight with punks on the street. And yet that seems to be what is happening. Shizuo manages to catch him one time. And it is surreal, watching Izaya fight someone else. 

He's far more aggressive, for one thing. More hands on. Shizuo had known Izaya was fast, but watching this speed from outside the fight he can see just how fast Izaya is. It's nearly inhuman. As the instigator, Izaya is typically outnumbered, and so fighting multiple people at once. It's something Shizuo hadn't ever thought about but Izaya really is a good fighter, and a terrifying one in many ways. He clearly has no intentions of holding back against these people, and by the time he is done his knuckles were bruised and bleeding and he has five people at his feet.

Izaya never once pulled out his switchblade, as far as Shizuo could tell.

\----

**From: dumbass doctor**

**Shizuo. Stop asking about him. Yes, he's street fighting, but that's all I know. It's not for money. I think he's just venting his frustrations. It's brought me in plenty of customers and money so I'm not going to tell him to stop. He's a big boy, he can figure this out on his own.**

\----

As Izaya's fighting escalates, so does Shizuo's anxiety. After seeing Izaya in such a broken state, Shizuo just can't help but worry that someone else will manage to catch him. Shizuo's chasing gets more insistent, the goal slowly changing to catching Izaya in order to inspect the damage to his body, rather than cause more.

Unfortunately, Izaya is perceptive. He quickly catches on to Shizuo's goals and starts pulling away, making the chase more difficult. It frustrates Shizuo greatly, but Izaya is an elusive bastard and catching him has always been a challenge, so now that Izaya is once again avoiding being caught things are made entirely more difficult.

As Shizuo's frustration mounts, so does the damage to the city. For a while after Shizuo and Izaya had started regularly fucking the damage had gone down, as the stress relief of sex had toned down Shizuo's anger a bit. But now that is all being undone. Izaya restlessly flits about, accomplishing little, as far Shizuo can see, but making himself worse. It's infuriating and just reminds Shizuo why he hates this parasite of a man.

Izaya feeds off chaos and destruction and once again Shizuo can feel himself being drained, used.

\----

**From: dumbass doctor**

**You need to get some sleep. Your injuries are actually affecting you now and I'm getting worried. Izaya is just going to continue until he self-destructs. As much as you irritate me, I don't want to see you go down with him.**

\----

Shizuo sets aside his phone and stares at the ceiling. This ceiling isn't his. It belongs to the man pacing around the room, talking to the air. The man who has sucked Shizuo up once again and dropped him as soon as he was done. 

But of course, Izaya is too distracted to bother telling him to leave these days.

So Shizuo stays. Stays, because he's too tired to move. Stays, because where else would he go? Stays, because honestly, someone needs to make sure Izaya doesn't jump off the roof believing he can fly.

Today is one of those days after all. Where Izaya's delusions are so close to the surface and so encompassing of his mind that he can't see anything else. He wrapped Shizuo up and pulled him in and somehow even managed to leave some staying marks on Shizuo's skin before he was done. It always amazes Shizuo when Izaya manages to leave bruises and scratches that stay on skin that never scars. Izaya seems to be the only one capable of hurting him.

Izaya truly is his god in that way.

Unfortunately, as Shinra loves to point out, when Shizuo stays he gets almost as little sleep as the insomniac that is his flea. Izaya will at least tire himself out to the point of passing out where he stands, even if it is only because he hasn't slept in three days. Shizuo however is terrified of falling asleep when Izaya could hurt one or both of them.

Even when Izaya finally stumbles to a stop by the bed and Shizuo reaches out to catch him, Shizuo is no where near sleep. He lays Izaya out on the bed, tucking him in like he's a child. It's such a strange and surreal thing, seeing Izaya sleep. It wasn't something Shizuo could ever imagine before.

Shizuo takes this chance to search around the room for his clothes. He gathers them up, folding them nicely and setting them on the bureau, pulling on just his boxers. A pair of sweatpants that he left here a while ago are tugged on, too. After fighting with himself about his hypocrisy, Shizuo finally gives in and pulls out his pack of smokes and his lighter as well. It's been hours since Izaya first dragged him into a chase and he's starting to get a headache and fuck it he's an adult; he can do what he wants.

Besides, with Izaya dead asleep as he is, Shizuo won't have to share for once.

One deep inhale later, Shizuo can already feel his headache starting to subside. He exhales slowly, moving back to his spot on the bed, stretched out next to Izaya. 

Once again it strikes Shizuo how surreal it is to watch Izaya sleep. The normally restless and fidgety and borderline hyper man looks so... peaceful when asleep. Well, maybe peaceful isn't quite the word. Perhaps a more accurate description would be quiet. Small. Fragile. Words that Shizuo never associated with Izaya until recently.

Things have changed however and Shizuo is seeing more and more of Izaya's cracks. Not to say that he couldn't see them before, but as said cracks get bigger they become more obvious, as does what's behind them. Izaya likes to keep things even from himself and Shizuo wonders if he's seeing something that even Izaya refuses to look at.

It's a terrifying thought. And as Shizuo gently brushes a bit of Izaya's hair from his face, he has another terrifying thought.

What if he gets behind that armor? What if it all falls away and Izaya is left bare and has to face himself? What if Shizuo himself helps to tear it away? What will they find in the rumble?

What if it's the person he's seen Izaya be? The person Izaya is when he sleeps. A small, fragile, scared person. A person Shizuo has the urge to protect. A person covered in bruises that Shizuo didn't cause, with split lips and black eyes and scraped knees that come from fights Shizuo wasn't there for. 

If, behind all the layers of masks and armor and façades, Izaya is truly that person...

...How would Shizuo feel about him then?

\----

**From: Celty**

**Shizuo, I know you have a difficult time listening to Shinra, and that is completely understandable. But please just know that he only wants what is best for you. Both of us do. And we are very worried about you. Izaya is not a good person. I know he was hurt, but he clearly isn't good for you. Please, just... think about whether or not you want to deal with him. Even Shinra is on the verge of giving up on him. Please. Don't just hurt yourself more for someone who will never thank you.**

\----

Perhaps, Shizuo had thought, if he pulled down Izaya's armor he could help the scared person behind it.

But no, that could never happen. Not when Shizuo is chased out of the apartment by a lamp soaring at his head, narrowly missing to smash against the wall instead. Not when the lamp is followed by poison words, venom spat from lips that just a few hours before had been pressed against his own in mock tenderness. Not when Izaya is both a drug and an addict, feeding off Shizuo's chaos and misery all the while forcing more of his own brand of hell down Shizuo's throat.

There's no way Shizuo could ever feel anything but hatred for such a terrible person.

At least, that's what Shizuo tells himself as he slams the apartment door behind him and runs a hand through his hair. That's what Shizuo tells himself as he lights up a cigarette and boards the elevator. That's what Shizuo tells himself as he makes his way through the streets of Shinjuku and back to Ikebukuro, back to his empty apartment.

That's what Shizuo tells himself...

...though, he's not entirely sure he believes it.


	4. Gods are Consuming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya has consumed his life for so long, just quitting now might kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I finally managed to write this damn chapter! I suck so much at dialogue omfg. It's just really difficult for me for some reason, so this chapter took forever. Hopefully, I plan to wrap this up in the next chapter though, so please stick with me a little longer!
> 
> As usual, I hope you enjoy!

Then things start to get better. Izaya's bandages slowly stop renewing. His energy becomes less frantic; his sleep schedule more regular. Well, as regular as Izaya's sleep schedule ever could be with his job. His sex drive mellows out as well, not that that means much; he still drags Shizuo away multiple times a week and is nearly impossible to satisfy, but not as erratic as before.

Shizuo's worries lessen a bit. However, he is still hesitant to believe that Izaya is truly getting better. Shina tries to tell him to stop worrying, that Izaya settling down means he's getting over it. That they should just let him be. But even now, Shizuo just can't seem to drop it. 

Izaya has consumed his life for so long, just quitting now might kill him.

\----

So Shizuo doesn't even try to quit. He continues to follow the whirlwind of destruction that has become his god, continues on the rollercoaster ride that is Izaya. It is dangerous and volatile, an insane mix of highs and lows, far more intense than anything Shizuo has ever experienced.

He can't imagine what it must feel like for Izaya.

Despite how much Izaya has calmed down in some respects, he is still as intense as ever. His cracks haven't closed at all and through them seap emotions that Shizuo can sense Izaya despises. They are covered up as best as they can be, but the too bright red of Izaya's eyes glows in the dark of early morning and with the way the streetlight outside reflects off of them, Shizuo swears he can see liquid emotion escaping.

Shizuo doesn't point it out.

Izaya pretends it doesn't exist.

Gods are not able to feel after all and tears are a sign of a weakness Izaya claims he doesn't have.

\----

It's on a night like this that Shizuo finally makes up his mind to try and get behind the cracks. They have become so obvious by now the urge is hard to fight and really, he 's tired of waiting for Izaya to shatter by himself. No one wants to be alone when they break; Shizuo knows this is true even for gods, despite what Izaya may claim to believe.

Besides, if Shizuo isn't the one there for it then it might be someone worse and the thought of that just makes Shizuo sick to his stomach. So he goes out on a limb and speaks into the silence.

"Ah... Izaya." He stops there, not sure how to continue. Izaya turns back to face Shizuo, still tugging his pants back on. His eyes bore into Shizuo's, too bright and too intense and too knowing. Shizuo takes a puff of his cigarette, suddenly unsure. This is eerily like that day, when they had first seen each other again and Izaya had stolen his smokes. Shizuo had been awkward and unsure then too; made unsteady by that dangerous shade of red.

"Yes, Shizu-chan? What is it?" Izaya's eyes narrow, curiosity coloring his face. They rarely talk on nights like this. Normally Izaya will either pass out from sheer exhaustion and leave late in the morning or he'll gather up his things and leave at a ridiculous hour in the morning. Tonight is the later. It is currently 3 am and Shizuo knows that once Izaya is dressed there will be no stopping him from sweeping out of Shizuo's apartment and into the night to go do hell-knows-what in the back alleys of the city. With boxers and pants already on, Shizuo doesn't have much time to stop him.

"...You don't want to go again, do you?" Izaya starts when Shizuo's silence has gone on too long. "I already came twice, my ass hurts-"

"No, it's not that." Shizuo waves one hand in annoyance, smoke swirling from his lips. "Really, do you ever think of anything other than fucking?"

"Yes, of course I do." Izaya's blade of a smile aims right for Shizuo's throat. "I just assumed that, as an animalistic monster, you would think of little else. It's just second nature to you, isn't it? Eating, sleeping, fucking. Those are your three instincts, right? Oh, and mass destruction, can't forget about that."

Shizuo can feel his teeth starting to grind. This is why they don't do the whole conversation thing. Izaya is just too infuriating to attempt communication with and as Shizuo takes another drag of his cigarette he wonders yet again why he even bothers.

Then his eyes land on the bandage covering up the kanji Shizuo knows is carved into Izaya's side and he remembers.

It's because, unlike him, Izaya's scars are very visible and very damaging. And even though Izaya tries to cover them up, some aren't so easily hidden with a bit of gauze.

"No. Fuck you. That's not what I wanted to talk about." Shizuo takes a deep breath, trying to reign in his anger. Izaya is looking for his shirt. One shot, that's all he has.

Just one.

"Actually... I wanted to talk about... that." Shizuo gestures vaguely to the bandages on Izaya's side, but Izaya isn't looking at him. Izaya just huffs, throwing random articles of clothing out of the way as he tries to find one that belongs to him.

"Talk about what? Stop being vague, you aren't clever enough for it."

"Well if you'd look at me when I'm talking to you..." Shizuo seethes for a moment. Really, if he doesn't force Izaya to look at him this isn't going to work. The cigarette is put out in an ashtray by the bed as Shizuo hoists himself out of bed. The thought flits through his mind that he's glad he put his boxers back on earlier because stopping to get them is not something he has time for right now.

Right now, he needs to get Izaya to listen to him. And maybe in some ways Izaya is right; Shizuo tends to have a one track mind when he feels he needs to do something.

"Would you just..." Shizuo grabs Izaya's wrist, pulling him up and forcing him to turn around. The action is all around rougher than he intends and he feels a twinge of guilt at that, but he's intent and doesn't know how else to get Izaya to stop and listen to him.

"Ow, Shizu-chan! What-?"

"We need to talk about this." Shizuo points firmly at Izaya's side, his hold on Izaya's wrist not weakening as he holds it out of the way.

For a moment, Izaya just blinks at him. Then he blinks down at the bandages. Finally, he bursts into manic laughter, nearly doubling over. Part of Shizuo wants to be confused. But he saw it. That moment of panic and sadness and fear that flitted across Izaya's face. The denial in Izaya's eyes as he avoids looking at Shizuo. The laughter is a cover up until Izaya can regain his mask; Shizuo has learned enough to know this at least.

"That?" Izaya says incredulously when he regains composure. There is a large crack right behind his eyes and Shizuo wishes his sight was better so he could look behind it. "What about that? It's just a scar, nothing of consequence. Shizu-chan has nothing to do with it." The venom in Izaya's voice is thinly veiled and Shizuo knows he's touched a nerve. Unfortunately, now that he's started he also knows he can move away from it.

"If it's so inconsequential, why do you keep it covered all the time, huh?" Shizuo's eyes narrow as Izaya 'tsks', looking away. The grip on Izaya's wrist tightens. "That's not an answer, Izaya. If you didn't care about it, you wouldn't cover it up like every other trait you see as a weakness. You're hiding something and I want to know what. I'm sick of feeling gauze when we fuck."

"Then don't touch me, protozoan." Izaya's voice is a hiss, his glare blades. Shizuo can see the defenses going up, the masks falling into place as Izaya tries to hide the hurt. But the walls have holes and the masks are cracked and Shizuo isn't falling for it. "Is that all you think about, how it doesn't feel like your ideal fuck? I'm not here to replace your non-existent girlfriend, Shizu-chan."

"If you didn't want me to touch you you would have tried to stab me for it a while ago." Shizuo takes a few steps forward, forcing Izaya to stumble back. The room is tiny enough that it doesn't take long before Shizuo has the smaller man pinned to the wall. Shizuo leans in close, his lips grazing Izaya's jaw and ear as one leg presses between Izaya's legs, thoroughly trapping his flea.

"You like me touching you. You moan for more of it." Shizuo keeps his voice carefully matter of fact as his free hand slides down Izaya's neck to his chest, raising goosebumps on pale skin and causing a small hitch in Izaya's breathing.

"Shizu-chan, I told you-"

"You told me just an hour ago to keep touching you." Ignoring the warning in Izaya's voice, Shizuo continues on. He doesn't want to push Izaya like this. Not really. As fun as it can be to tease him sometimes, that is more Izaya's thing. And besides, this situation is more serious than that. What Shizuo wants is a look under that bandage.

If there is one thing Shizuo has learned from Izaya, it is how to use touch as a distraction. It isn't fair, but then, nothing with Izaya ever is.

"And besides..." So he continues on, his hand skittering over Izaya's ribs to stop right at the top of the gauze. He picks at the edge with one blunt fingernail.

"...Shi-Shizu-chan... what...?"

"You can't tell me it feels better with this shit in the way." With that, Shizuo rips the bandage away. He feels bad for the yelp this elicits from Izaya and he's sure he's handling this wrong but what else can he do? Izaya refuses to acknowledge his own flaws and Shizuo doesn't know how else to make him face it.

The surprised panic on Izaya's face isn't making this any easier however.

"Shizuo, what the hell!" As soon as the shock has worn off a bit Izaya is squirming and shoving at Shizuo's chest with his free hand. Shizuo doesn't budge. He wants to have this conversation, even if Izaya is kicking and screaming.

"You can't keep covering it up! I see it every time and it pisses me off!" Discarding the bandage, Shizuo brings that hand up to grab Izaya's chin, doing his best to be gentle as he forces Izaya to look at him. "What are you trying so desperately to hide?"

For a moment, Shizuo had managed to work up some annoyance. He had managed to make himself frustrated enough that he could handle Izaya a bit roughly and not feel too bad. But then he sees Izaya's expression and nearly lets go and steps back. Izaya looks stricken, almost as if he's been slapped. The shock has made it impossible for him to keep up his façade and the emotions behind it are bleeding through. There is fear plain on his face and if Shizuo didn't know better he'd think Izaya was on the verge of crying. 

But he can't be. Right?

A tense minute passes and neither of them move. Shizuo takes deep breaths, staring Izaya down as Izaya avoids eye contact as best he can. Finally, Shizuo pulls back just a bit, moving to get a look at the scars below Izaya's ribs.

This movement seems to break Izaya's trance. Suddenly he's squirming again; kicking and punching at Shizuo's head and shoulder, doing anything he can to get away. For a moment it seems like he's trying to say something but all that comes out is incoherent panic. Shizuo stops, concerned.

"What? You really don't want me seeing that badly?" Shizuo releases Izaya's face to grab his other wrist, pinning that to the wall as well. The kicking he can handle, but the punching is extremely distracting. "You do know I've seen it before, right? I found you, Izaya. In your tub, covered in blood and.... I've already seen it bleeding, why is this any different?"

"It just is!" Izaya finally manages coherent words and they come out a weak plea of sorts, frustrated and panicked and frantic. Shizuo frowns more, not understanding.

"It's just a scar. What's the big deal?" Shizuo knows it's a big deal. Somewhere in his mind he knows that these things aren't as simple as the scars left from street fights. He knows that, logically. But he doesn't understand. He doesn't know how to understand. And maybe it's selfish on his part be he needs Izaya to explain, needs Izaya to face it, so maybe he can have a better understanding.

So maybe things can get better.

But Izaya never did like to cooperate. So instead of a response, the kicking and squirming continues, further frustrating and confusing Shizuo. Why can't anything be easy?

"Izaya, just-calm the fuck down!" Shizuo moves back a bit but doesn't let Izaya go; merely allows him more space, so maybe he'll feel less pinned. Shizuo isn't so sure that it helped at first, as Izaya doesn't seem to even register it. After a minute or two he finally starts to settle down again.

"Alright..." Shizuo sighs, not sure how to continue. He avoids looking at Izaya's side, trying to keep things inside Izaya's comfort zone, if barely. "Now... Can I please look at your side? I want to make sure it's healed properly." It would also be nice to know who did this so I can hunt them down...

Shizuo shakes his head inwardly. Now is not the time for thoughts of revenge.

"The last I knew, Shinra was my doctor, not you!" Izaya spits, practically snarling. Shizuo lets out a small sound of frustration. Of course.

"Yes, well... I am the one who found you, so I think I deserve to know that all my effort to keep you alive actually paid off." Shizuo knows his excuse is weak. It's written all over Izaya's face. But what else is he supposed to say when they are enemies and this was a fluke?

"Ha! So you walk in on me bleeding in the tub and suddenly you think you're entitled to my body? Please!"

"You certainly have no qualms acting as if you're entitled to mine." The smirk Shizuo gets in response to that is beyond irritating.

"It's not like you're using it for anything better."

Shizuo almost punches that smug grin off Izaya's face, but manages to restrain himself. They are getting distracted from the point. 

"No, just... shut up. Just shut up. This isn't what I want to talk about." Shizuo nods down at Izaya's side, his tone serious. "We need to talk about that. About that scar, and that night, and how you got it. Why you got it. You've been acting even more insane than usual since then and I want to know why."

Izaya looks down at his side when Shizuo nods at it, but never looks back up. His eyes remain shadowed by his hair as he listens to Shizuo talk. The deathly stillness that comes over him scares Shizuo a bit as it continues even after he's done talking and what is he supposed to do if Izaya just refuses to respond? What can he do?

For the moment, he just waits. He's willing to wait. He's willing to stand here all night if he has to, if it will get Izaya to talk to him. Luckily, Izaya doesn't make him wait that long.

"...Why do you even care? Protozoans shouldn't try to think so much. Monsters shouldn't try to act human." Izaya doesn't look up, even as he talks. He keeps his face hidden behind his hair as best he can, avoiding Shizuo's gaze. His voice is bitter, however the insults strangely lack their usual bite. It's worrying, somehow.

"I care because...." Shizuo isn't so sure how to answer that question at first. He's not entirely sure why he cares, to be honest. He cares because he saw Izaya a broken mess and it was terrifying. He cares because Izaya is falling apart in front of him and it's wrong, so wrong, to see the man convinced he's a god falling apart like this. 

He cares because Izaya has consumed him, become his god, and without that Shizuo isn't sure what to do with himself.

"I... care because... I care because you keep insisting on dragging me down with you." It's not the exact truth, but the exact truth really doesn't need to be heard. "I'm involved, so I want to know what's going on."

"Hah... weak excuse, Shizu-chan..." The amusement in Izaya's voice is flat and Shizuo isn't so sure how to decipher his tone. It's a strange combination of defeat, sadness, and frustration. The meaning is so unclear, Shizuo doesn't know how to respond at first. But then Izaya sighs and Shizuo realizes he doesn't have to.

"...Fine. You can look at it. It's just a scar anyway, who cares?" This Shizuo wasn't really expecting. After all that fussing and fighting Izaya is just going to give up? It makes no sense. But then, nothing Izaya does ever makes any sense. And besides, Shizuo isn't going to question it too much; he might as well just take his opening and run with it while he can.

Carefully, Shizuo uses his grip on Izaya's wrist to move his arm out of the way. He has to lean down a bit to get a good look at the scar and when he does he almost reels back. 

He had forgotten just how big it was. Big and obvious and clear, strokes carved with a knife, the skin thin and still frail looking. The scar tissue is a much lighter color than the rest of Izaya's skin.

Shizuo swallows hard. He hadn't been expecting to feel this affected by it. He wants to chase down whoever did this and send them flying to the next continent. Possibly the next world.

"Awakusu." Izaya's voice is carefully flat as he explains the pronunciation of the kanji on his skin. Shizuo's blood runs cold. He works in the underground enough to recognize that name. The fact that Izaya is involved with such a powerful yakuza organization doesn't really come as a shock, however the fact that he managed to cross them and get caught does. Shizuo had always viewed Izaya as uncatchable and certainly too smart to make such a mistake. Despite the fragility, Shizuo had assumed Izaya was too powerful for that.

Shizuo had assumed this was just some thug client that had overpowered him. Not something this big.

"Awa... kusu..." Shizuo doesn't know how to respond. He still has the urge to hunt down whoever did this and beat them to a pulp but suddenly that task seems much more difficult. He doesn't even know where to find the Awakusu. Izaya obviously does however, and Shizuo is sure Shinra does as well. But neither of them would ever give them away. Shizuo knows this, but he asks anyway.

"...Where is the person who did this." It's not a question. It's a demand. A demand Shizuo doesn't quite expect to be fulfilled but there's still the hope.

"No where you will find them." Izaya sighs, avoiding looking down. "It's pointless and dangerous for you to even try. Admittedly, I'd tell you so you could exact my revenge for me and possibly get killed in the process, however you are too easily tied back to me. It would just cause me more trouble."

Shizuo growls in frustration. He supposes Izaya probably has a point, but he really doesn't like it. For some reason a surge of possessive protectiveness has filled his chest. It's strange and confusing and Shizuo doesn't understand it, but the fact that someone aside from him could catch the flea - and mark him, do damage no less - pisses Shizuo off. 

He had thought he was the only one who could damage his god and this almost feels like someone trying to steal Izaya away from him. The fact that this scar is a brand in itself just adds to the feeling.

Finally Shizuo straightens. He backs away, letting Izaya's wrists go and avoiding looking at him. There is so much he can assume about this, but first he wants to try and figure out the truth.

"What happened."

"Hah... more questions, huh..." Izaya brushes imaginary dirt off his pants as he works to regain his composure. Even Shizuo can tell it is a bit of a struggle. "There's not a whole lot to tell. I messed up and got caught. The details hardly matter, especially to a protozoan like you."

"Iiizaayaaa..." Shizuo's voice is a threat but Izaya has managed to get a few masks back up and it's greeted with smirk that is only slightly strained.

"As if I would tell you anything. Really, Shizu-chan, I don't know what you're expecting by asking all of these questions, but you aren't going to get anything from it." Izaya attempts to continue as if nothing has happened, but the masks aren't quite on correctly and the fear is bleeding through. Shizuo can do little but watch as Izaya swipes up one of Shizuo's shirts and moves toward the bathroom.

"Honestly, you shouldn't concern yourself with things you don't understand."

\----

Yet Shizuo can do nothing but that. He lets Izaya go that night, lets him rebandage his fully healed scar and leave with one of Shizuo's shirts, laughing maniacally and calling Shizuo a nosy idiot. Shizuo lets him go that time, but he certainly doesn't drop it.

Shizuo has more questions and he intends to have them answered. Slowly, he begins to collect information, from both Izaya himself and Shinra. He redoubles his efforts in catching Izaya and prying information from him, trying in his not so subtle way to make sure Izaya is alright.

But things never work as one wants, and Izaya likes to be difficult. Izaya likes to be cagey and secretive and snarky and hopelessly impossible to deal with.

Izaya likes to consume the minds of all he encounters so he can establish some kind of control and Shizuo is realizing that he is not exempt from this. Unfortunately for Izaya however, this consumption doesn't lead to control of his monster.

Only further obsession.


	5. Gods Are Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things had been going so well. So well, and Shizuo became complacent. And of course, that is the last thing you want to be when it comes to Orihara Izaya. Because despite his attempts to act together and in control, Izaya is volatile, unstable, explosive. Completely out of control.

Hey, Shizu-chan.

Did you know that love is infinite?

It is you know.

Every person has the capability of infinite love.

There is no limit to the amount of people one can love.

However, everyone has different strengths of love.

Some people's love is strong. Some, weak.

My love is not weak.

My love spans all of humanity, consuming, stubborn, and anything but fragile.

It is infinite and powerful and...

...you could say it is nearly god-like.

\----

Things had been going so well. So well, and Shizuo became complacent. And of course, that is the last thing you want to be when it comes to Orihara Izaya. Because despite his attempts to act together and in control, Izaya is volatile, unstable, explosive. Completely out of control.

And Shizuo knows this. Of all people, Shizuo should know this. He's known Izaya for so many years now, played this pointless game with him for so long, Shizuo should know better than to let his guard down.

Izaya is always armed after all, even if he doesn't look it.

Yet Shizuo let his guard down anyway. He let himself get used to a slightly calmer Izaya. He let himself think he was making headway in helping him. He let himself believe that he could help him.

But really, no one can help Orihara Izaya. Because Orihara Izaya is a god and gods don't need help. At least, that's what he believes. And it is impossible to truly help a person who sabotages any attempts made.

And so, Shizuo learned yet another thing.

Gods are helpless.

\----

Not everyone can have such all consuming love as I do!

But even my love has it's limits.

It can't extend to monsters, after all.

You know, I tried to love you too, once.

A long, looooong time ago.

Back before I knew how much of an unchangeable monster you are.

But no, it couldn't be done.

My love may be strong, but I just couldn't make myself stretch that far.

You're just too inhuman.

But don't worry, I still have an attachment to you.

I just couldn't seem to give you up, you see.

You wouldn't get out of my head.

Wouldn't leave me alone.

So, although I couldn't love you, I resolved to be close to you.

Maybe it was because I couldn't love you that I could give you special treatment like that.

Who knows?

But either way, I decided that rather than love you, I would consume you.

I would become stronger than you.

I would fill your past with me, and then...

Well, maybe I should explain that first.

\----

Shizuo isn't expecting to hear from Izaya tonight. Of course, he's never really expecting to hear from Izaya. It always just happens.

But this time... this time something seems different. Something is off. Because he hasn't heard from Izaya in two weeks. Because a text is not usually the first contact after that long. Because this text doesn't sound like Izaya. Or rather, it sounds too much like Izaya.

Shizuo reads it and rereads it dozens of times, trying to decipher it's meaning. Trying to understand why Izaya would send a text like this. But as usual, Izaya is impossible to understand. His thought process is still completely incomprehensible to Shizuo, despite all the gaping holes in his masks.

The first concerning part about the text is the fact that it is so long. It is less a text and more an email, a long letter sent via phone.

The most concerning part however, is how definite it feels. Like an end.

Almost like...

...a goodbye.

\----

I'm going to tell you something now that I've told a lot of people.

A lot of lovely humans...

But no monsters.

You'll be the first monster to hear it.

Aren't you lucky~!

But anyway...

I wanted to explain to you about the past.

About how in this changeable and volatile world, the only thing that is concrete...

...immovable...

...unchangeable...

...is the past.

And the past is what shapes us.

Our past experiences influence our every action, every decision.

In a way...

...the past is like a god, you know?

If you let the past control you, then the past is your god.

\----

A goodbye from Izaya is not something Shizuo can stand. They aren't so familiar with each other as to say goodbye. Maybe he had started to want to be. Maybe he had thought of what it would be like. But it never happened, so Shizuo can't stand for this.

And so that is how Shizuo ends up traveling across Tokyo, all the way from Ikebukuro to Shinjuku, to break into Izaya's apartment.

Or at least, breaking in was the plan. But when he gets there, the door is unlocked.

Almost like Izaya was expecting him.

...Odd.

When Shizuo opens the door to Izaya's apartment, it is almost eerily quiet. As he makes his way up to Izaya's bedroom, there is not a single sound outside Shizuo's footsteps and nervous breathing. And just before he opens the door, he holds his breath, afraid of what he might find.

"...Izaya?"

\----

Hey, hey, Shizu-chan~

Remember how I used to say I would become your god?

Well, if we take that logic, that the past is god...

And add the fact that I have dominated your past...

That I am, in essence, your past...

That would make me your god, right?

So even if you can't see me...

I'm still influencing you.

I'm still ruling you.

I'm still there.

I am stronger.

\----

The first thing Shizuo learned when he started sleeping with Izaya is that gods are fragile.

They break. They can run, laughing, for miles and miles, seemingly without tiring, but once caught... Once caught they are easily disarmed, pinned, pushed around. Whether this is just "allowed" due to boredom, is still up to debate. However, it is evident that physically at least, they are easily breakable. 

Against a monster's strength, a god of chaos and whispered hatred is near powerless.

And sometimes, monsters aren't so easy to identify. Sometimes, gods are the very monsters that are pinning them down. Sometimes, gods self destruct, become their own monsters.

Sometimes, the monster is the powerless one.

But still, even with everything else...

Gods are fragile.

\----

...You know, Shizu-chan...

Despite what I may say...

...I've enjoyed fighting you all these years.

Let's never stop, alright?

Even if one of us manages to catch the other, let's continue fighting.

Let's continue down this monstrous and godly path of destruction and chaos.

Let me continue to whisper my hatred in your ear, so you can snarl it back at me.

I want nothing more than for you to catch me.

So come on, Shizu-chan.

Hurry up.

Come catch me...

\----

And in a god's fragility, it might have a moment of weakness. It might have a moment when it wants help.

He might send out a cry to his monster and ask for help...

\----

...before it's too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY DONE. I've been sitting on this for weeks and I finally managed to write it. I had to write it backwards, but I think it turned out okay?? Maybe. I hope you like vague endings (⊙‿ ⊙✿) I certainly do. Of course, that might be because I don't even know what actually happens half the time haha. but anyway! I hope you've enjoyed this fic, and to anyone that has been following this as I update it, you're awesome, thanks for being patient! So there we go. It's not that long, but it's my first real multi chapter fic, so he certainly feels long to me!! Now, go read one of my fluff fics instead and stop angsting, why would you do this to yourself?? (￣▽￣)ノ


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